Escapism

Early High School Stuggles

Coming out of high school I wasn’t much of a successful student. My grades were far below average, I cut classes often, and I never appreciated the environment for what it was. A place to learn new skills and develop a solid work ethic that will carry me into my future. Like many teenage boys making the slow and painful transition into adulthood, I lacked the maturity to discern the environment for what it was. All I cared about during those years was how quickly I could come home and “inject” myself into my virtual world to enjoy the blissful pleasures of whichever game was stimulating enough to hold my attention.

Several things come to mind when I try to explain away this behavior during my late adolescent years. Was I frustrated at myself for being a struggling athlete, being surpassed by my peers? Or perhaps I was lonely, and I found solace in connecting with others in an online game world. I seldom entertain these discussions because they all fall under the same category, an excuse. I allowed my brain to become infected with a fixed mindset and shied away from anything challenging. Train to become a better athlete and earn more playing time on the team? Can’t, I’m not as gifted athletically as my teammates. Should I study for that trigonometry exam so that I can perform well in the course? No dice, I’m not going to college anyway so what's the point? This self-justification consistently allowed me to feel vindicated in my actions. Little did I know at the time, how dangerous this pattern of behavior can be.

Questioning Life Choices

Fast-forward about 5 years after high school, I’m switching from one dead-end job to another. Not finding any real satisfaction with my life. Sure, I could always clock out, and drive home and my games were waiting for me. However, something was itching in the back of my mind. A “what-if?”. What if I applied myself, could I achieve some level of success? Before going back to school, I remember vividly thinking that I would be satisfied with any entry-level IT position as long as it was too difficult to obtain. My demeanor is a complete 180 of what it was before and I guess it goes to show that a growth mindset is developed over several years, not an immediate change.

Embracing Challenges

My productive habits evolved over my collegiate years. College was the first time I had been presented with extremely difficult challenges and for the first time, I decided to pursue these challenges head-on. It was a game of inches, overcoming one small challenge at a time reinstated my confidence and overall my belief in myself that I could do this. I continually refactored myself, identifying behaviors that needed to be changed or modified that would lead me down a more successful path. Should I log on with friends for a late-night gaming session? Can’t, I need to study. As the difficulty in my courses progressed, so did my discipline in managing my time more wisely. Given enough time and patience, I ended up realizing the fruits of my labor. I’m revered among my peers as someone whom they would reach out to for help. Many of my classmates saw me as the gifted one when in reality I was mature enough to realize it was time to put down the controller and pick up the textbook.

The feedback of successful behaviors is not a 1:1 mapping. Studying algorithmic theory, building out that side project, and learning that new framework. These things may have little immediate payoff but can return dividends in the long run. Compare that to playing something like an RPG, where each action in the game has an immediate reaction attached to it, usually in the form of exp, or “experience”. It took a long time to recondition my brain to not be used to that feeling of instant gratification. I hope that these words will resonate with you, the reader, that you might be in a similar predicament that I found myself in. And at the very least, this will serve as a reminder to myself of the changes I took myself through.